dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He passed out mid-signature
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
