What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
