I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
