Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
