I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
