Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
