he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
