I will die if light touches me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
