dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
