booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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