I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
