It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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