but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
