Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Found your dick twin last night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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