Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
