just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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