seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
