He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
