Michael Bay diarrhea
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
