he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
