Porn is love you can see.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
