Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
