if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
