I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
