There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
