You're completely useless in the revolution.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
