Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
