So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
