yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
