hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
