i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
40s are totally the cure
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
