So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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