help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
