Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
