i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
