youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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