remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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