Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
