I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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