I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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