I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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