Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
