I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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