Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
