Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
