this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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