Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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