I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
