my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
