my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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