New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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