the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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