I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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