I faked an abortion last night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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