im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
