brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
